I could have written this
….but I didn’t. I do need to share it with all moms though. Updates on our life here coming soon. Honest.
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my own doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on
the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out — over
several Christmases.
Since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles; and who knows when
I’ll find any more free time in the next 18 years, so now – -
*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
* I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (-in any color, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the
breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.
* I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.
* If you’re hauling big-ticket items this year, I’d like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that
doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide
to talk on the phone.
* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, ‘Yes,
Mommy’ to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t fight
and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of
power tools.
* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, ‘Don’t eat
in the l iving room’ and ‘Take your hands off your brother,’ because my
voice seems to bejust out of my children’s hearing range and can only be
heard by the dog.
* If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served
in a Styrofoam container.
*If you don’t mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the
holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely.
*It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.
Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back. Have a
safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the door, and come
in and dry off, so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the
table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always with love and appreciation,
A Mom
December 16th, 2008 at 1:08 am
oh my dear sister I wish I could give you a big hug in person!!! it’s been said before these days pass by so quickly!! cherish them in your heart as Mary did. I still remember seeing the green rubber army man standing in the butter on the table…or the crazy “stella” car, or the teenager who refused to wear the shoes I had just bought…they were both left feet .. I got them at Mardens!! and now they have children of their own and poison controll is in their speed dial!
December 16th, 2008 at 1:18 am
check uout my friend’s adventures with 4 kids!!http://elliemarie4.blogspot.com/
December 16th, 2008 at 2:54 am
Dear Deanne,
I have reviewed your requests and decided you have been, well… Okay, this year. So here’s what I’m going do for you:
First of all, we’ll start with a new pen and a pad of paper. I could barely read your chicken scratching in red crayon. A pocket dictionary would do you wonders as well. I realize you used spell check before you posted this copy, but the note you sent (good grief)… I think there are several teachers still on staff at BEHS that will be getting coal this year.
The legs, well, I never did finish my doctorate so you’ll have to settle for a mannequin leg, in fishnet stocking, with a lamp attached at the top. I hear they are especially popular in HK because the lamp shade has a “Hello Kitty” print on it.
The waist: Honey, think about who you’re addressing here. I haven’t seen my waist since the early 1600’s, and I don’t even have a uterus!
The fingerprint resistant windows are still a prototype. We’re almost there, but the glass causes third degree burns every time someone touches it. Look for it sometime in 2025.
As for the radio, I can do that by implanting a chip behind your ear (I did have the training for this procedure) that will play adult music, but right now it can only play one song. You have a choice though: Muskrat Love, or My Beautiful Balloon. Oh, and you can’t control the volume, or turn it off; eventually you regress into your own little happy world. A bib is standard with this item for when the drooling begins. The TV, again, it only comes in chip implant. The programs (which you only get one) are either: The Cosby Show (the grape jelly episode), or The Love Boat (I can’t remember the episode, but it’s one of Mrs. Claus’s favorites). We find that people who request both the TV and radio together eventually have to go on anti-psychotic medication. I recommend you choose either one or the other.
The fridge: they don’t make fridges that size in HK. I can deliver a box from an American sized fridge that you can place between the fridge and the wall. The kids will hardly notice it’s there.
We do have a doll, “Yessy Bessy” available for you. The jeans we don’t have anything but a new tool, which you’ll love. It’s the Turbo 6000 Power Zipper Gripper. It does require some assembly. I believe J can figure out the instructions with his back ground.
Although I don’t have a recording of the Tibetan Monks, I do have a Darth Vader helmet that’ll do just the trick. Not only will your children hear your voice, they’ll be afraid to disobey. This is a two for one deal.
We do have an attachment for the Vader helmet that will brush your hair and teeth at the same time. You have to be careful though, because when the batteries get older, bumping the helmet can cause unwanted tooth brushing. This is even more frightening when saying the chant because you appear to be foaming at the mouth and rabies are not a required vaccination for dogs in HK. People might think you really do have rabies.
Again, the food warmer is still a prototype. It’s designed to be worn as a harness across your chest, and well… I can’t say much more in mixed company.
Believe it or not, ketchup IS considered a veggie; or at least by Prevention Magazine.
As for coercing your children to do chores, I think the Vader helmet will do wonders for you in this area.
I’ll do my best to leave things the way I find them on Christmas Eve. Mrs. Clause tells me the same things.
I appreciate all your hard work. I can tell because each of your kids made the ‘Nice List’. It’s J I’m worried about.
Merry Christmas to All!!!
Santa
January 6th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I know who santa is!!!!!!!!!